Wassup, Doc?

I've never had a full medical before. Lots of doctor visits, a number of hospital stays, but not the whole shebang at once. Till today. It's a requirement for my new job (original job #1) .

The doctor is about as far away from my current work, my new work and my home as you can get, so I always knew there'd be an adventure of some sort in there somewhere.

I arrived, filled out numerous forms and handed them back. While still standing at the counter next to a couple of construction workers, one of the receptionists leaned over, handed me a pee jar and said, loud enough for the entire suburb to hear, "You need to give a urine sample. The toilet's out the front. Just do it, then take it with you back to your seat and wait till you're called".

All I could muster in response? "Lovely!"

She was right. The toilet was out the front. Back out the front door and basically in the middle of the entrance way, so if anyone came in the outside door, they'd be lucky to not walk in on you. So, not only do the people in the waiting room hear that you have to go pee and watch you walk back out the door to do it, everyone coming in knows as well, then the whole lot of them watch you come back in and sit down with your nice, warm little jar in your lap. Mmmm fun. That's when I noticed the sticker on the sample jar read "Mr".

When I was called, I wasn't sure if it was me they were after, because the woman seemed to be confused. We figured out it was me and I mentioned as we walked down the hall that they'd put 'Mr' on the jar. "Yes, it's late in the afternoon and I think the girls out the front are a bit flustered." Okaaay.

Nurse #1 did my height...short, weight...not quite boombah, pulse....got one, blood pressure...low. Allergic to anything? Yes, and explained. Operations? Yes, and explained. Medications? Yes.

I was a little annoyed, because I'd just filled all that information out on the form she was reading in front of her. Next, she magically disappeared for no identifiable reason and was replaced with Nurse #2 who.asked.everything.all.over.again.

She asked if I'd done a hearing test before. I haven't. Basically, you sit in a booth not much bigger than a phone box, with earphones on and you half expect them to pump Gloria Gaynor through the earphones and let you sing karaoke. But it wasn't like that. Little ping noises first in the right ear, then the left ear, of different tones and volumes. You have to press a button each time you hear a ping. They had two of these booths. Only one was available, because someone pressed the button in the other one too hard. How that could happen, I have no idea! Really, I was more concerned about the fact that they didn't wipe down the earphones with anything between people. The guy before me looked clean, but who knows where his ears have been....or the multitudes of people before him. Better not to think about it too long.

After that, I finally got to see a doctor. He looked like an actor whose name I cannot remember and he annoyed me from the first moment. "Hmmm... Eve... All about Eve....that's an old movie, you know." Duh! Really?

"Narcolepsy, huh? So when was the last time you...", and he pretends his head hits the desk.

"Um, that doesn't happen with me. I'm just tired all the time. I could sleep constantly."

Do this with your arms. Do that with your arms. Turn your hands this way. Now that way. Can you touch your toes? Squat? Ok, lie down. Lift your left leg. Right leg. Open your mouth and say "aaaaaaah". Put your left arm in, put your left arm out.... Do the hokey pokey and.... Ok, so not that bad...but almost.

"Oh yeah, I have a heart murmur too."

"Mmm, you have too. Narcolepsy, heart murmur and mitral regurgitation. You're rather complex, aren't you?"

"I guess..."

"Well, you must be sick of doctors by now. You can go. Go on, get out of here."

And that was that.

Oh, and I delivered my signed contract documents today. No turning back now!