Take off
Where you love somebody a whole lot, and you know that person loves you, that’s the most beautiful place in the world.
Ann Cameron
The Most Beautiful Place In The World
Yearling Books
I've struggled lately to find peace within myself. I've been in a low place that I still have trouble defining; including the real why and how of it all. That's passed now, it seems. Not without consequence though.
T's felt the pressure and he's coped well, considering he felt helpless to help me. Not that he could anyway, because I couldn't explain why I was feeling so crap, so there was no way he could fix something I couldn't describe.
Last week, I had the first of two visits to the doc this month. The nurse I saw suggested I start taking vitamin B6. Primarily, it's supposedly most helpful for PMS. I do acknowledge that I've been pretty unpredictable lately, mood wise and I feel like I can attribute some of that to hormones. I'm not disinclined to say that, despite the stereotypes et al, because I know age is going to bring changes that I'll have to adjust to. I never used to get freaky mood swings with PMS, so it's been an unhappy, uncomfortable learning curve. Anyway, I don't expect the vitamins to be a magic fix, or an overnight cure, but I do feel better.
The strange part of me saying I feel better today is that yesterday completely sucked. More than the last few weeks have. T and I have mutual agreements about how we operate (our 'routine' etc) and what we expect from each other. I don't put restrictions on him at all and I wouldn't tell him he's not allowed to do something (obviously within reason). However, I do expect that if what he's doing is going to affect those agreements, he'll let me know. It's not about being controlling. It's about respecting each other and keeping each other informed. Without those things, the distance would be harder than it already is. So when those guidelines aren't adhered to, it causes strain. He's done that a couple of times in the past and we've walked a fine stay/go line at times. Yesterday, on the back of my own personal craziness, having our agreement broken pushed me closer to the go line than before.
This relationship has been unusual for me. I've never been with someone who's openly cared for me as much as T does, who genuinely wants the best for me, who wants to give me the best. I've never been with someone who makes me feel as good as he does. And I've never been with someone who's made me so unbelievably angry at them too. LOL
We discussed that last night - that nobody's brought out that much anger in me before....but I also care for him in a way I can't explain too. Being with T has brought out all sorts of feelings and emotions I haven't experienced in a relationship before. For the most part, they're incredibly positive. It's just when he's a doofus, like he was on Friday night, that I want to break a steel pot over his head. I'm sure he's felt the desire to do the same to me though, at times, so I guess we're even.
More unusual for me is that it generally takes me a long time to get over being hurt in some way. That I wanted to scream and rip his head off on Friday night, but was able to (semi) joke about it last night, is something else I've not felt before. Maybe it's a good thing to get so mad, get it out and process things quickly like that? I don't know. I do know I don't like the extreme emotions of it all. It's not a way I'm used to being.
He's working so much - too much - lately. I'm proud of him for his dedication to what he does. I don't think I know anybody else who truly loves what they do, so despite the fact that it leaves him stressed out and time starved, I'm glad he does what he does. The downside? Eh, work, work, work leaves a boy just as grumpy as the girl he's been trying for weeks to make un-grumpy.
We'd hoped I'd be there this long weekend, but he's got too much work on. The earliest I can be there is the 26th. I've been putting off booking my flights for about a week. Yesterday, I was all "damn him, he can come here if he wants to see me". Unbeknownst to me, he'd considered flying here yesterday to make things up to me. The fact that he'd think about doing that says almost as much as if he'd have actually done it.
I booked my flights this afternoon. I can't wait to see him again.
Ann Cameron
The Most Beautiful Place In The World
Yearling Books
I've struggled lately to find peace within myself. I've been in a low place that I still have trouble defining; including the real why and how of it all. That's passed now, it seems. Not without consequence though.
T's felt the pressure and he's coped well, considering he felt helpless to help me. Not that he could anyway, because I couldn't explain why I was feeling so crap, so there was no way he could fix something I couldn't describe.
Last week, I had the first of two visits to the doc this month. The nurse I saw suggested I start taking vitamin B6. Primarily, it's supposedly most helpful for PMS. I do acknowledge that I've been pretty unpredictable lately, mood wise and I feel like I can attribute some of that to hormones. I'm not disinclined to say that, despite the stereotypes et al, because I know age is going to bring changes that I'll have to adjust to. I never used to get freaky mood swings with PMS, so it's been an unhappy, uncomfortable learning curve. Anyway, I don't expect the vitamins to be a magic fix, or an overnight cure, but I do feel better.
The strange part of me saying I feel better today is that yesterday completely sucked. More than the last few weeks have. T and I have mutual agreements about how we operate (our 'routine' etc) and what we expect from each other. I don't put restrictions on him at all and I wouldn't tell him he's not allowed to do something (obviously within reason). However, I do expect that if what he's doing is going to affect those agreements, he'll let me know. It's not about being controlling. It's about respecting each other and keeping each other informed. Without those things, the distance would be harder than it already is. So when those guidelines aren't adhered to, it causes strain. He's done that a couple of times in the past and we've walked a fine stay/go line at times. Yesterday, on the back of my own personal craziness, having our agreement broken pushed me closer to the go line than before.
This relationship has been unusual for me. I've never been with someone who's openly cared for me as much as T does, who genuinely wants the best for me, who wants to give me the best. I've never been with someone who makes me feel as good as he does. And I've never been with someone who's made me so unbelievably angry at them too. LOL
We discussed that last night - that nobody's brought out that much anger in me before....but I also care for him in a way I can't explain too. Being with T has brought out all sorts of feelings and emotions I haven't experienced in a relationship before. For the most part, they're incredibly positive. It's just when he's a doofus, like he was on Friday night, that I want to break a steel pot over his head. I'm sure he's felt the desire to do the same to me though, at times, so I guess we're even.
More unusual for me is that it generally takes me a long time to get over being hurt in some way. That I wanted to scream and rip his head off on Friday night, but was able to (semi) joke about it last night, is something else I've not felt before. Maybe it's a good thing to get so mad, get it out and process things quickly like that? I don't know. I do know I don't like the extreme emotions of it all. It's not a way I'm used to being.
He's working so much - too much - lately. I'm proud of him for his dedication to what he does. I don't think I know anybody else who truly loves what they do, so despite the fact that it leaves him stressed out and time starved, I'm glad he does what he does. The downside? Eh, work, work, work leaves a boy just as grumpy as the girl he's been trying for weeks to make un-grumpy.
We'd hoped I'd be there this long weekend, but he's got too much work on. The earliest I can be there is the 26th. I've been putting off booking my flights for about a week. Yesterday, I was all "damn him, he can come here if he wants to see me". Unbeknownst to me, he'd considered flying here yesterday to make things up to me. The fact that he'd think about doing that says almost as much as if he'd have actually done it.
I booked my flights this afternoon. I can't wait to see him again.
posted by E in Oz at 8:08 pm
these thoughts escaped my brain at 8:08 pm
7 Comments:
I wish I lived in the same country as the girl I want to be with. Even the same hemisphere would help :(
You sure remind me of the reason that long distant relationships can really suck. But, they're worth it when you are able to make them work. No doubt about it.
I'm glad you've booked flights to go see him. It'll give you something to look forward to, eh?
Keep your eye on the fact that you care so much for each other. I know I went thru a horrendous couple of months after moving in with my sig other - it's like all the stuff I was afraid of came up and grabbed me and shook me. Sometimes time really does heal - I know I needed to see, over time, how much he cared before I could stop being scared. Hugs...
YAY!! You're booked!
Hugs for you... ((((E))))
Ian, I hope you guys work something out so that could happen.
RG, you hit it on the head...I've been needing something to look forward to. This is good. It's not the distance that bothers me. It's not seeing him, ya know.
Sandy, thanks for the hugs. I don't wanna have to deal with the 'stuff', but I know it'll happen. Knowing exactly how he feels really does help though.
G, thanks for the hugs lady. You're the best. :-)
God, I just want to meet a nice local boy. I feel like my life would be so much easier. I don't know, I guess I'm in that low place too and I'm not sure what it'll take to pull myself out of it. I hope the time flies until you see T again--you could definitely use some hugs I think :)
I'm with Angela. Could I move J and his crazy life a little closer to Hawaii or mine a little closer to Virginia Beach?
*sigh* We really don't have the luxury of a LDR.
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