Well.....

For two very different reasons, I've been trying to remember two pieces of advice today. The first piece is something one of the guys at ACoA said last week. "In all that you do, be serene." I'm finding that one tough today. The second one is advice I gave T on how to handle a situation a couple of nights ago. I realised that if I posted what I intended to, I would have been ignoring my own advice.

Situation #1 is a complete pain. I spilt about a cup of mineral water all through my laptop this morning. It also got into the workings of the (expensive!) phone/answering machine T bought me for Christmas. The phone is fine, thankfully. The computer? Well I won't know for another 24 hours till it dries out and I can turn it back on. Worst case, I lose everything. Best case, the hard drive is fine and I just have to replace the motherboard and keyboard. Right now, I'm using my old pc, which is completely infected with viruses, but at least it works.

Better judgement suggests I probably shouldn't post the rest here and perhaps I'll eventually remove it. However, since it was removed by R from where I originally posted it, in order to be read by a few, I've unfortunately had to post it here, to be read by many. I don't like it, but I've been left with no choice.

I've debated with myself for a while about how to deal with [this issue], because it affects all of us [who post on a private blog]. I was going to copy a couple of chat messages and emails from R which would help to explain why I've found it necessary to take a step back (and therefore make myself look uncaring). Even though they'd explain 'my side' better, I've chosen not to.

I know she's made the decision to make public comments about how angry she is about my apparent conditional friendship and that I've somehow deserted her. (However, a subsequent email after my post was removed suggests she may have been talking about another friend who's taken the same action as me, but I don't believe that to be the case....) .......

I left a message on her blog a while ago with an explanation of why I was choosing not to read her blog anymore [although I have checked back there occasionally], because it was affecting me negatively. For reasons of her own, she chose not respond to me, and not to publish it.

There are two sides to every story. I'm choosing not to post specific reasons that made me come to the decision I did, I'm just trying to explain, if possible, why I did. R is within her rights to say what she feels about me on her blog and gain feedback/empathy. I just don't want to go down that path (and I feel ill discussing this here, but I have things I need to say).

Because I've taken a step back does not mean I care less, nor does it mean I am unsupportive. It means that because I care, I can't support (there's a difference between being unsupportive and simply not being able to support), because of the effect it's having on me to do that. I can't be there for someone if in doing so, I will damage myself. BTDT and won't do it again.

Like I said, there are two sides to everything and I can only assume that [the people on the private blog] know the other side, simply due to time and distance proximity and the ability to keep in touch more easily. I imagine the assumption is that I'm being mean, or that I don't care. That's far from the truth. If stepping away for my own self preservation makes me the bad guy, then so be it.

But I just can't continue to watch R be in a situation that I feel is physically and mentally unhealthy for her. If I could change it, or if she would change it, then I would probably not have found it necessary to step back like I've done. But I can't change it and she's not ready to change it, and it hurts me too much to be a part of it. For that, I'm sorry.

............... I'm not going to sit on my hands and pretend I don't care. I don't think I'm the only one who wants better for R and who wants her to want better for herself. I also don't understand why nobody's willing to say it.

I'm too old for this....