Something's wrong

I don't know what it is. I don't know why. I feel like I'm repeating mistakes and I'm stagnating. But I don't know what those mistakes are, or why I'm continuing to do the things I do, or think the things I think.

I've met some nice guys online lately. But I don't want to meet them. Or the ones I've met, I don't want to meet again. I'm happy to keep them at a distance and online. I'm not attracted to them, I know they're attracted to me, and I would probably take advantage of their generosity if I let them into my world. I know I'm capable of it. I go to great lengths to avoid it. It's something I did a lot of when I was younger - keep people around to serve me when I needed them, discard them when I didn't. I didn't do it intentionally. I just lost interest.

Maybe that's part of the appeal with Ed. I went into it thinking it'd more than likely end up just a passing thing, so it didn't matter so much that we were both taking from each other what we each needed, and keeping the other at an emotional distance. The problem is, I find myself wanting the best of both worlds. I want the closeness, the friendship, the company, the attention, but I want to keep that wall up too...just in case. I don't think he realised that, as much as I tried to explain. I think that's why I haven't heard from him since I sent the text messages. I'm not sad. I'm disappointed. As much as he frustrated me, I really like the guy.

At work, too, I'm uninspired. I need change, a challenge. I need to be growing and learning. But I sit at my desk and can literally be bothered to do nothing. I need to be out of here. I've found it a big problem when it comes to work. I take a new job, grow, learn and then get to a point where it doesn't excite me anymore and I need to just get away and do something completely different.

I need to do something completely different. I don't know what. I need to get away. I don't know to where. I need to find out exactly what it is that's frustrating me so much. I have no idea what it is.

I don't want to talk to anybody. Yet I want people to talk to me. I don't want to see anybody. Yet I want to go out. I want intimacy, but not emotion. I want a relationship, but I want freedom. I want a job, but I want it on my terms....I think it's time.

I need change.

Something is definitely wrong...or maybe I'm just ready for things to be new again.