Motivation and rationale

I've been trying to do some self analysis (like that's anything new!). I'm not ever sure if that's quite a good thing or not, this time around.

I just don't know how I feel about the whole Ed situation. I'm being self destructive in a lot of ways. I set out to prove to myself that he was lying to me and withholding things that I consider important information. I got my wish. I set out to discover if he was keeping his options open. I got my wish there too.

The thing is - it's not even been three weeks yet, so I don't really have a right to tell him how to conduct himself. Hell, I don't even know what I want from him myself, so who am I to tell him what he should want from me, or anyone else?

I haven't experienced this dating thing before. It's always been I've met someone and we've started a relationship. None of this "let's try it out for a while and see how things go". I think I'm too damn insecure to do that. Yet, I don't know what I want, so even if I did get that immediate relationship thing, I wouldn't know if I wanted it anyway. So what's my problem?

I want someone around. I want that human touch and in a way, I need to be needed. I know Ed doesn't need me - he hasn't got a clue what he wants. I don't know that I need him. But I want him around, because I want that feeling I get of being close to someone.

The thing I've been trying to figure out is why, when it's so clear that I'm breaking my own deal breaker rules and settling for less than what I set out to get, I still let it happen.

All men are bastards? No, I don't want to prove that. I don't subscribe to that notion, because I've met some who aren't.

I don't deserve more? No, it's not that either, because I know that I would be a damn spectacular partner to the right person.

I just don't know.

We were talking about something last night and I said something about how I want to be treated and he asked me if I thought he treated me well. I said, "yes, when we're together, you treat me wonderfully". Of course that prompted (as I expected) the response, "but not when I'm not with you?". I told him that because it's early days, it's not up to me to tell him how to behave when he's not around me. His conscience will dictate that. I told him I expect honesty and that, based on how I feel about that and how he treats me, will determine what I think.

He told me, as my alter ego, that he hasn't seen anybody or arranged to meet anybody since he's been seeing me. He also said he's never cheated on anybody and never would because he's been cheated on and he doesn't want to put someone through that hurt. But why lie to me? Why can't he say these things to me, when he knows that I'm just as unsure about things as he is?

Am I keeping him around till someone better comes along? I don't know. Part of me answers yes. But I do have another option at the moment. His name is James (aren't they all???) and we've met once. Right from the start (we've been talking for a couple of months) he's told me that he's interested, but that he won't get in the way if I am interested in Ed. He sent me a message last night asking if we could catch up on the weekend, because he'd like to see me, but he said he didn't know if that'd be ok or not, because he didn't know if I was interested in him. I don't know how to answer that. I think I am, to a point. He's a lovely guy. But I don't know if I'm interested enough. I don't want to hurt him. I feel like I am already, because I know he's interested and I've just been all vague and non commital.

I am interested enough in Ed. Or maybe it's just that I like the way I feel when I'm with him. Maybe he's my current drug of choice. Maybe that's why I accept all this confusion.

I can't walk away from Ed just yet. If I hadn't become my alter ego, if I hadn't chosen to dig where I knew I shouldn't have, I wouldn't have reason for concern. I'd be going purely on how he treats me when we're together and how he keeps in touch when we're not. Based on that, he's my ideal guy.

I know too much to want (right now) anything more than what we currently have. Yet I feel enough (not for him, but because of him), that I need to continue.

It's looking like a path to destruction. I just don't know who's going to get there first.