Tears and rain

It's seems like it's been so long since I've seen T, but he was here just this week. I've had a busy time at work with some things going right, some not so right in the last few days.

PMS (yes, I know it's the cause) has had me re-thinking, over-thinking, analysing and reviewing everything that's been going on in my head to the point where I'm not sure if I'm the right way up, or upside down. I've had an overwhelming sense of frustration about just about every facet of my life lately, and I'm having trouble getting my mindset clear and back on track in a positive way.

I've also noticed the headaches, which I used to get quite frequently, are not coming as often, but during PMS it's almost guaranteed now that I'll get one that lasts at least two days. This week's started on Thursday evening, caused me to leave work at lunchtime on Friday and lasted till Saturday night. I woke up feeling better this morning and a couple of interesting comments from people at the hairdresser yesterday - of all places - had me determined to force myself to try and get out of this stupid funk I've got myself in.

Then I got a message from T saying he wasn't well. I rang him a short while later to ask how he was and he mentioned (for the billionth time lately) that I sounded sad. Enter stage left, the tears. He thinks he's making me sad and he's not. Situations are making me frustrated and that's making me mentally tired and feeling down, but he's not making me sad. Still, he feels partially responsible...and unable to do anything to help. It's a girl thing....I don't want him to fix things, I just want his understanding while I sort it out for myself. He's doing his best, and I appreciate it a lot.

I don't know where the tears came from today. I wasn't feeling that down. I realised I'm struggling to deal with the huge gap between where I expected myself to be at this stage of life, what I wanted to be doing, where and how, and how far away I feel I am from achieving those things. This time last year, some of those things appeared to be within reach, then the rug got pulled from underneath me. I'm still trying to get back on track, or at least to a place where I can see those things happening sometime soon, rather than just sometime. Not necessarily relationship things either - just me things.

I went grocery shopping today and was pushing my trolley back to the car, up quite a steep ramp and almost laughed out loud. I thought, this is my life right now, I have this load and it's mine and I can do something with it, but while I have to keep pushing uphill, I won't be able to do anything with it.

RG, I've been thinking about what you said. I do like change and I like things to be new, because I get restless if I feel like things around me are stagnating, but I don't like upheaval. The thing is, things around me are calm, for the most part, but I've stopped seeing that, because inside my head, it's not calm at all.

For instance, my job. It drives me nuts, is uninspiring and I don't have enough to do. The upside is, I have a boss who understands my need to have time off to go to doctor appointments, who knows I don't always turn up on time, who will always be on 'my side' (or anyone else's in my dept) if there's an issue that needs resolving, who knows I get tired and need medication. I can take leave at pretty regular intervals, because of school holidays, wear casual clothes every day and I get paid fairly well. Those things, especially the medical stuff, make me really apprehensive about getting another job....especially going back to corporate. In my mind, my qualifications and skills look damn good on paper, but I worry about how negatively my health stuff is going to affect my work prospects.

The flip side of it is, if I stay, I'm going to become more frustrated than I already am, and to be honest, being in the relaxed working environment I'm in (in my department anyway, not the campus as a whole), means the adjustment back to the 'real world' will be greater, the longer I leave it. I'm feeling stuck.

Having said that, I'd also convinced myself lately that I need to stay there, because of all the uncertainty over where T is going to be 6 months from now. But I also realised, when I applied for that full time job on impulse the other night, that putting the move on hold shouldn't mean I put everything else on hold. That constant feeling of treading water has been eating at me and I have to make changes to eliminate that. I can't do nothing simply because I don't know when I'll move...all the more reason not to do nothing, really.

I'm just overwhelmed with things and I don't know why, maybe coz I'm getting older (ha!), but I'm noticing more now than before how unsupported by my family I feel. I have things going on, good things and bad things, but I can't share them and I can't get feedback...and there's things I just want to be able to talk about to someone and can't....so it spins in my brain till my brain spins out of my head....like it's doing now.

There ends the venting post that's only just scratched the surface of my frustrations and has no real point...