A state of flux
Nothing's wrong, but I'm feeling unsettled. A couple of weeks ago there was a plan....give notice, pack up my things, put the job on hold, spend a week travelling across the country, get settled, find new job, start next adventure. Now there's no plan, everything stays the same and life continues as it did before, until we know more about where T's going to be in the next six months.
It feels like I'm in a holding pattern, waiting for the time I can get started on the new plan. There's no point looking for a new job here. I could, but then I'd have to start all over again accruing holidays etc, and I have it pretty good where I am....apart from the fact that I'm mind numbingly bored most days (although this week I'm psychotic busy). The thought of having to go through a few months of getting settled in a new job, then go through it all again a few months later is just more effort and complication than I really need.
I've also realised that I handle things a lot better when T is home. According to my calendar, he's been home for about 9 days since the beginning of April (including this week). As of today, he's home till Tuesday morning. That's the longest he's been home in one stint since some time in March. Even though he's not here, when he's home, it's somehow easier for me than when he's working elsewhere. I can't explain why that is. Maybe it is the semblance of stability....which I don't feel within myself at the moment. By that, I mean I don't feel stable. I don't mean I don't feel stable within the relationship. Despite me feeling irrationally needy this week, I feel pretty good about 'us'. We're in a good place.
It's just this feeling of being in a holding pattern that's bugging me. I need to accept that the equilibrium will remain the same for now, not allow the routine to become...well, routine...and enjoy what I have now while I wait for the time this current adventure becomes a new one, whenever that might be.
It feels like I'm in a holding pattern, waiting for the time I can get started on the new plan. There's no point looking for a new job here. I could, but then I'd have to start all over again accruing holidays etc, and I have it pretty good where I am....apart from the fact that I'm mind numbingly bored most days (although this week I'm psychotic busy). The thought of having to go through a few months of getting settled in a new job, then go through it all again a few months later is just more effort and complication than I really need.
I've also realised that I handle things a lot better when T is home. According to my calendar, he's been home for about 9 days since the beginning of April (including this week). As of today, he's home till Tuesday morning. That's the longest he's been home in one stint since some time in March. Even though he's not here, when he's home, it's somehow easier for me than when he's working elsewhere. I can't explain why that is. Maybe it is the semblance of stability....which I don't feel within myself at the moment. By that, I mean I don't feel stable. I don't mean I don't feel stable within the relationship. Despite me feeling irrationally needy this week, I feel pretty good about 'us'. We're in a good place.
It's just this feeling of being in a holding pattern that's bugging me. I need to accept that the equilibrium will remain the same for now, not allow the routine to become...well, routine...and enjoy what I have now while I wait for the time this current adventure becomes a new one, whenever that might be.
posted by E in Oz at 7:54 pm
these thoughts escaped my brain at 7:54 pm
2 Comments:
I can definitely understand that "holding pattern" feeling, because that's basically how the past 2 years of my life have felt. I guess what I'm just trying to learn is that all of life is a holding pattern while you're moving from one experience to the next, and the best thing you can do is just live your life as fully as you can while you're waiting for that next step. Which is definitely easier said than done!!! Glad you're back--I missed reading your insights :)
I completely understand what you mean about feeling better when he's home. In a long distance relationship, things are much more stable when everybody's home where they should be! Communication is easier and he just doesn't seem as far away....
As for the holding pattern? You're in a good place right now. That's what really matters, isn't it?
xo
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