Demons
It's amazing how your brain can make you think crazy shit, even when you're at your most rational.
The boy was away for a week and gave me a more than daily step-by-step account of what he was doing and where he was. He and I have the best relationship and yet I still create freakin crap in my head.
No, I'm fine now. I was never not fine. But those 'what ifs' get into your head and if you don't stomp on them before they start to breed, you can end up with a whole colony of irrationality to really mess with you. Like a virus.
I didn't tell him my brain went a bit nuts while he was away. To be honest, I really only got annoyed with myself on one day. It was the Wednesday, I think. He stayed in his hotel room, ate dinner there, watched tv, and went to sleep. My dumb-arse brain tried to tell me that's coz he was entertaining someone. WTF? How screwed in the head is that? Reality is, he stayed in and talked to his kid for the kiddo's birthday.
Truthfully, I don't tell him this stuff, because I know I'm the one who has to snap outta this way of thinking. It's not his problem.
I don't even know why it came into my head. Hmmm...I've read too many horror stories on internet message boards. I need to stop doing that.
My guy absolutely rocks. I'm so lucky and so thankful. Just wish those thoughts would stay the hell outta my head.
Man it's hard to recondition your thinking sometimes, even when you know the truth, you can still tell yourself lies. I wonder if that ever completely stops.
The boy was away for a week and gave me a more than daily step-by-step account of what he was doing and where he was. He and I have the best relationship and yet I still create freakin crap in my head.
No, I'm fine now. I was never not fine. But those 'what ifs' get into your head and if you don't stomp on them before they start to breed, you can end up with a whole colony of irrationality to really mess with you. Like a virus.
I didn't tell him my brain went a bit nuts while he was away. To be honest, I really only got annoyed with myself on one day. It was the Wednesday, I think. He stayed in his hotel room, ate dinner there, watched tv, and went to sleep. My dumb-arse brain tried to tell me that's coz he was entertaining someone. WTF? How screwed in the head is that? Reality is, he stayed in and talked to his kid for the kiddo's birthday.
Truthfully, I don't tell him this stuff, because I know I'm the one who has to snap outta this way of thinking. It's not his problem.
I don't even know why it came into my head. Hmmm...I've read too many horror stories on internet message boards. I need to stop doing that.
My guy absolutely rocks. I'm so lucky and so thankful. Just wish those thoughts would stay the hell outta my head.
Man it's hard to recondition your thinking sometimes, even when you know the truth, you can still tell yourself lies. I wonder if that ever completely stops.
posted by E in Oz at 1:41 pm
these thoughts escaped my brain at 1:41 pm
5 Comments:
I think it does. I have to say the idea of my B being with someone else hasn't crept in at all, in all this time. Which is not normal for me. Not to say I haven't had those days when the IBSC is telling me "he's down south because he'd rather be anywhere but here!" but even my IBSC is having to really stretch to find nastiness that I'll give any credence to for even a split second.
But you know, you're right that it's all yours, and I would venture to say it's more about the other aspects of life. That it's not really about C at all? He's just a convenient target for the committee because he's important, so the job search and the health issues and the long drives and the boredom at work and all else spin together and turn into "he's entertaining a female caller in his hotel room".
It'll ease up...your heart knows how cherished you are. And in the meantime, (((((Hugs))))) for all of it. And happy dancing for the previous post!
Yeah, his week away came on the back of me being in an evil mood for the week or so prior. No real reason, just moody...prob a combo of everything you said. Just projecting, I think, because it's easier than being pissed off with myself.
Good thing for him that he went away, coz I needed that alone time to get back on track.
You're insane :) Don't think stuff like that. I repeat, you're insane...
Ha, you're right- your post is VERY similar to mine. What you wrote in your comment to me? You betcha, the "valley" comment is absolutely 100% about projection and not wanting to have to worry about being perfect.
Thankfully you and I both recognize the fear issue we have and we *can* snap out of it after we give ourselves a good talking to.
Hubby knows that I have underlying issues in this area based on past experiences with other relationships, and he's very understanding when he can sense that fear is rearing its ugly head. He can also see that I work very VERY hard on pushing those fears away and he knows that I trust him. He knows these fears have nothing to do with him. I'm very careful about making sure that he knows that.
I'm not sure it'll ever completely go away, but I'm working very dilgently on tools to help me when this sort of thing happens. Tools that will help me move on from that fear as quickly as possible.
Hugs right back atcha.
OK E, go read my 'other' blog again. You'll find what my counselor said to be interesting (and rather disheartening at the same time, because it 'ain't going away anytime soon')
Hey, you're saving money by knowing me! You can just learn from my therapist and not have to pay for one yourself! ha ha
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