Full speed ahead
Except for the weekend, when Chris had his son, and Wednesday night when he had emergency services training, I've seen him every day - on his initiation. I said I was concerned that this may be overkill and that we might get sick of spending so much time together. He said, "well if that's the case, then we'll know we weren't meant to be together". Hmm, ok, but I don't know that we're meant to be together anyway. You can't tell these things in a week.
When we met, I told him of my chalk-eating, potion-drinking, no-fun health kick I'm on. He's been very careful about not taking me anywhere I might not be able to find anything to eat, he's read my book to find out what I can and can't have, and how much I can have. He's even gone to the extent of eating similar food to me so I don't feel I'm eating differently. Last night, he brought over a whole lot of groceries that he knew I could have, along with (what appeared to be expensive) bath and body lotions for me. That, as well as champagne (which he didn't know I am allergic to, so I couldn't drink it), dips and other stuff.
The guy is very attentive and doing everything right. He sends me text messages throughout the day, little emails, says the right things and even confessed to putting my photo up on his desktop at work (at which point I had a major internal freakout!). He's already mentioned a bbq with his friends tomorrow, the fact that he mentioned me to someone yesterday and used the term 'girlfriend' (moreso because in the context of the conversation, "this girl I've been seeing for a week", didn't fit), and hinted at a wedding to attend in a couple of months time. He did acknowledge that we're maybe further down the track than normal because of how we spent our wacky first date - we got to know each other very well, very quickly, without inhibitions.
But it's all made me realise just how bitter, twisted and jaded I have become when it comes to guys. I like him. I trust him. He's genuine. And despite all the overt wooing and random acts of kindess and the like, he recognises that it's just early days - thankfully. Still, I find myself questioning his intent.
It occured to me that it's been so long since I've really been in love with someone that I've become used to not being in love. Up until a couple of years ago, I'd always had a partner and been in love to some degree, so this is a complete turn about for me. Could it be that I've become accustomed to people being transient in my life and therefore, since my expectation is that they won't stay, I'm not allowing myself to get attached like I used to?
I wasn't sad or hurt by Ed when he stopped talking, but I was disappointed, because I really enjoyed his company. And for those who know the story, the same applies with D - I wasn't sad about it all ending, but I was really pissed off that, after 4 months, he could make one simple, but huge mistake and completely wreck, not just the relationship, but the friendship too.
Or quite possibly it's all just a filthy catch-22, a viscious circle. I want a relationship and the closeness and the partnership, and I want someone to want that with me. Yet, Chris appears on the scene and seems to want that too, and I find myself wanting to retain my independence, see whomever I like, do whatever I like and take things as they come. I like the fact that he's going out tonight and I can't go. I like the fact that I told him I'm unavailable on Sunday night because I'm going out. Not for any other reason than I just need my space and I need time to think.
I like his company, but I'm not sure what I have to offer in return. Maybe I just think too much.
When we met, I told him of my chalk-eating, potion-drinking, no-fun health kick I'm on. He's been very careful about not taking me anywhere I might not be able to find anything to eat, he's read my book to find out what I can and can't have, and how much I can have. He's even gone to the extent of eating similar food to me so I don't feel I'm eating differently. Last night, he brought over a whole lot of groceries that he knew I could have, along with (what appeared to be expensive) bath and body lotions for me. That, as well as champagne (which he didn't know I am allergic to, so I couldn't drink it), dips and other stuff.
The guy is very attentive and doing everything right. He sends me text messages throughout the day, little emails, says the right things and even confessed to putting my photo up on his desktop at work (at which point I had a major internal freakout!). He's already mentioned a bbq with his friends tomorrow, the fact that he mentioned me to someone yesterday and used the term 'girlfriend' (moreso because in the context of the conversation, "this girl I've been seeing for a week", didn't fit), and hinted at a wedding to attend in a couple of months time. He did acknowledge that we're maybe further down the track than normal because of how we spent our wacky first date - we got to know each other very well, very quickly, without inhibitions.
But it's all made me realise just how bitter, twisted and jaded I have become when it comes to guys. I like him. I trust him. He's genuine. And despite all the overt wooing and random acts of kindess and the like, he recognises that it's just early days - thankfully. Still, I find myself questioning his intent.
It occured to me that it's been so long since I've really been in love with someone that I've become used to not being in love. Up until a couple of years ago, I'd always had a partner and been in love to some degree, so this is a complete turn about for me. Could it be that I've become accustomed to people being transient in my life and therefore, since my expectation is that they won't stay, I'm not allowing myself to get attached like I used to?
I wasn't sad or hurt by Ed when he stopped talking, but I was disappointed, because I really enjoyed his company. And for those who know the story, the same applies with D - I wasn't sad about it all ending, but I was really pissed off that, after 4 months, he could make one simple, but huge mistake and completely wreck, not just the relationship, but the friendship too.
Or quite possibly it's all just a filthy catch-22, a viscious circle. I want a relationship and the closeness and the partnership, and I want someone to want that with me. Yet, Chris appears on the scene and seems to want that too, and I find myself wanting to retain my independence, see whomever I like, do whatever I like and take things as they come. I like the fact that he's going out tonight and I can't go. I like the fact that I told him I'm unavailable on Sunday night because I'm going out. Not for any other reason than I just need my space and I need time to think.
I like his company, but I'm not sure what I have to offer in return. Maybe I just think too much.
posted by E in Oz at 9:46 am
these thoughts escaped my brain at 9:46 am
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