Confessions
So my willpower didn't even last 24 hours. Shit happens, but still, I feel bad about it for a number of reasons.
Firstly, I really like Chris. He's a great guy. Says the right things, does the right things, conversation is easy. I mentioned in a post a while ago that I've been known to take advantage of certain situations and I didn't want to do that again. I feel like I am in a way.
I let things get to a point I didn't want to get them to. I was/am unsure how I felt, but I let the moment get to me and now I'm slightly pissed off with myself. It's not like you can take back something like that. The thing is, he said he was just following my lead. No, he was following my, "let's see how far I can push the boundaries". He called my bluff. I blinked.
I also really wanted to see if I could genuinely get to know someone without all that 'now it's at a deeper level' stuff. But last night it occured to me that if I spent time getting to know the guy and keeping it at that friendship level, then maybe I wouldn't want to take it to the next level, because I just can't imagine sleeping with any of my guy friends. Could be that's why I let my resolve go, even with all the good intentions.
Anyway, so now I feel like a horrible person, because I don't know how I feel about him (I'm not feeling the spark I expect to feel with someone). He's into me. In a big way and that confuses me. He acknowledges that we've only just really scratched the surface in getting to know each other, but he's thrown himself right into this in a big way. I'm not used to someone being so interested and not having some kind of ulterior motive. I'm not used to not being as into someone as they are into me - and having some kind of 'relationship' with them. Six days does not a relationship make.
And that makes me feel worse. Because we're not on the same page. I'm still getting a grip on whether or not page one has kept my interest. Meanwhile, he's almost done with the first chapter.
But since I'm an honest gal, he'll be told all this when I see him on Thursday.
Maybe my naturopath has a cure for lack of willpower. Ugh!
Firstly, I really like Chris. He's a great guy. Says the right things, does the right things, conversation is easy. I mentioned in a post a while ago that I've been known to take advantage of certain situations and I didn't want to do that again. I feel like I am in a way.
I let things get to a point I didn't want to get them to. I was/am unsure how I felt, but I let the moment get to me and now I'm slightly pissed off with myself. It's not like you can take back something like that. The thing is, he said he was just following my lead. No, he was following my, "let's see how far I can push the boundaries". He called my bluff. I blinked.
I also really wanted to see if I could genuinely get to know someone without all that 'now it's at a deeper level' stuff. But last night it occured to me that if I spent time getting to know the guy and keeping it at that friendship level, then maybe I wouldn't want to take it to the next level, because I just can't imagine sleeping with any of my guy friends. Could be that's why I let my resolve go, even with all the good intentions.
Anyway, so now I feel like a horrible person, because I don't know how I feel about him (I'm not feeling the spark I expect to feel with someone). He's into me. In a big way and that confuses me. He acknowledges that we've only just really scratched the surface in getting to know each other, but he's thrown himself right into this in a big way. I'm not used to someone being so interested and not having some kind of ulterior motive. I'm not used to not being as into someone as they are into me - and having some kind of 'relationship' with them. Six days does not a relationship make.
And that makes me feel worse. Because we're not on the same page. I'm still getting a grip on whether or not page one has kept my interest. Meanwhile, he's almost done with the first chapter.
But since I'm an honest gal, he'll be told all this when I see him on Thursday.
Maybe my naturopath has a cure for lack of willpower. Ugh!
posted by E in Oz at 3:14 pm
these thoughts escaped my brain at 3:14 pm
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