He finally did it
He finally made me hate him enough tonight to feel like leaving is more than the right thing to do.
I realised (well, admitted to myself) that I mourned the loss of him a long time ago, and that the last few weeks (more?) I've been mourning the loss of the relationship. I've been mourning the loss of the dreams I had and the things I thought I was working towards achieving. I knew a long time ago that I'd lost him. I just wasn't ready to give up on the dream. He made that easier for me tonight.
Against better advice and my own good judgement, I thought I'd try one final time to see if he could understand why I am the way I am about certain things. I thought that by explaining the negative effects of growing up in such an un-nurturing environment, surrounded by alcohol and abuse, and the assault, would make it clearer to him the difference between me wanting to behave a certain way and actually being able to be that way. Don't get me wrong, I didn't expect him to change his mind about wanting to end things - he's far too arrogant for that, and my heart's too damaged. I simply thought he could appreciate that I tried my hardest and invested my whole self for the entire time we've been together (even though it's evident he didn't do the same).
I had sent him this as part of an email and was hoping to talk to him about it...
"....But coming from an environment where there was just coldness, anger and physical abuse, it’s very very hard to offer your most tender side to someone who’s behaving like that. I wanted so badly to hold you and to touch you and to love you like I always wanted to love someone, but I felt so so awfully rejected by you that I just couldn’t let myself open up enough to you and give you all that I wanted, for fear of more rejection. ......... I’d try and you wouldn’t respond, or would only respond short term then stop, then I’d retreat, then you’d retreat more. I wished so badly that you’d reach out to me. I needed so badly for you to make extra efforts on top of those you made, to reassure me and let me get close to you ............I wished so badly you would want to fix things and you would break the cycle. I couldn’t do it by myself, as much as I tried. I wish you understood that as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t and I needed you to do it.
You’ve misinterpreted my not being able to give you all that you want for me not *wanting* to give it to you. I wanted to......I needed you to.....I know exactly what my problems are and I’m doing my absolute best to work through them. I was so sure you would understand that....."
And after reading all that, and hearing it from me in similar words, he said that if I really wanted to do something, I would have just done it. Oh, to be so confident and self assured to think that way! I'm dumbfounded at the heartlessness of it. I expected compassion from someone who claimed to once care about me and who (I thought) knew me.
I looked at him at one stage and he was sitting there completely without emotion. I really didn't want to cry, but when you're telling someone some of your most painful moments and you're met with blank, uncaring stares, it's hard to remain composed.
An image of a snake entered my mind. Cold, calculating, eyes that show nothing, and an emptiness within that made him seem like a stone image of himself. A shell of the person I fell in love with. Really, I haven't seen the person I fell in love with for a long time. These past couple of months, that's who I've been searching for.
But how could I possibly reach out to a person I didn't know anymore? He resents me for not doing that, yet takes for granted all the time I spent caring and hoping for better things despite his negativity, thoughtless comments and cold demeanour.
I started a journey this year to start to truly, finally, heal from my past. I was confident that I was (am) strong enough within myself to do that. I knew it would be hard, but I believed he understood that it was a process I was going through and that, in time, with patience and support, I'd get there and that it would be a good thing for both of us.
Because he couldn't comprehend my past and wouldn't try to see my perspective, I felt like he just expected me to suck it up and behave like any 'normal' person would. I am normal. I am me. I had a crappy childhood and it's not my fault. I'm doing my best to heal from that. A little bit of love and support would have gone a long way.
I've had some tough moments in relationships. I've been treated coldly at times. But never before have I been treated with such contempt, resentment and bitterness simply because I couldn't offer a part of me I didn't have to begin with. I've never before experienced someone who started out so loving and kind and generous turn into someone whose harsh words cut deeper and sharper than I thought was possible to feel. I've never been treated so badly by anyone else.
I didn't know I could end up hating someone I originally loved more than I thought I could love a person.
I tried. I gave it everything I had, and then some. I can't do better than my best. I'm bitterly disappointed and sad beyond recognition. I feel like part of me has died. No regrets, though. I'll learn from the lessons I got out of this. I already am. I'm not coping well, but I'm surviving. That's the best I can do for now.
A few more days and a new chapter starts....
I realised (well, admitted to myself) that I mourned the loss of him a long time ago, and that the last few weeks (more?) I've been mourning the loss of the relationship. I've been mourning the loss of the dreams I had and the things I thought I was working towards achieving. I knew a long time ago that I'd lost him. I just wasn't ready to give up on the dream. He made that easier for me tonight.
Against better advice and my own good judgement, I thought I'd try one final time to see if he could understand why I am the way I am about certain things. I thought that by explaining the negative effects of growing up in such an un-nurturing environment, surrounded by alcohol and abuse, and the assault, would make it clearer to him the difference between me wanting to behave a certain way and actually being able to be that way. Don't get me wrong, I didn't expect him to change his mind about wanting to end things - he's far too arrogant for that, and my heart's too damaged. I simply thought he could appreciate that I tried my hardest and invested my whole self for the entire time we've been together (even though it's evident he didn't do the same).
I had sent him this as part of an email and was hoping to talk to him about it...
"....But coming from an environment where there was just coldness, anger and physical abuse, it’s very very hard to offer your most tender side to someone who’s behaving like that. I wanted so badly to hold you and to touch you and to love you like I always wanted to love someone, but I felt so so awfully rejected by you that I just couldn’t let myself open up enough to you and give you all that I wanted, for fear of more rejection. ......... I’d try and you wouldn’t respond, or would only respond short term then stop, then I’d retreat, then you’d retreat more. I wished so badly that you’d reach out to me. I needed so badly for you to make extra efforts on top of those you made, to reassure me and let me get close to you ............I wished so badly you would want to fix things and you would break the cycle. I couldn’t do it by myself, as much as I tried. I wish you understood that as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t and I needed you to do it.
You’ve misinterpreted my not being able to give you all that you want for me not *wanting* to give it to you. I wanted to......I needed you to.....I know exactly what my problems are and I’m doing my absolute best to work through them. I was so sure you would understand that....."
And after reading all that, and hearing it from me in similar words, he said that if I really wanted to do something, I would have just done it. Oh, to be so confident and self assured to think that way! I'm dumbfounded at the heartlessness of it. I expected compassion from someone who claimed to once care about me and who (I thought) knew me.
I looked at him at one stage and he was sitting there completely without emotion. I really didn't want to cry, but when you're telling someone some of your most painful moments and you're met with blank, uncaring stares, it's hard to remain composed.
An image of a snake entered my mind. Cold, calculating, eyes that show nothing, and an emptiness within that made him seem like a stone image of himself. A shell of the person I fell in love with. Really, I haven't seen the person I fell in love with for a long time. These past couple of months, that's who I've been searching for.
But how could I possibly reach out to a person I didn't know anymore? He resents me for not doing that, yet takes for granted all the time I spent caring and hoping for better things despite his negativity, thoughtless comments and cold demeanour.
I started a journey this year to start to truly, finally, heal from my past. I was confident that I was (am) strong enough within myself to do that. I knew it would be hard, but I believed he understood that it was a process I was going through and that, in time, with patience and support, I'd get there and that it would be a good thing for both of us.
Because he couldn't comprehend my past and wouldn't try to see my perspective, I felt like he just expected me to suck it up and behave like any 'normal' person would. I am normal. I am me. I had a crappy childhood and it's not my fault. I'm doing my best to heal from that. A little bit of love and support would have gone a long way.
I've had some tough moments in relationships. I've been treated coldly at times. But never before have I been treated with such contempt, resentment and bitterness simply because I couldn't offer a part of me I didn't have to begin with. I've never before experienced someone who started out so loving and kind and generous turn into someone whose harsh words cut deeper and sharper than I thought was possible to feel. I've never been treated so badly by anyone else.
I didn't know I could end up hating someone I originally loved more than I thought I could love a person.
I tried. I gave it everything I had, and then some. I can't do better than my best. I'm bitterly disappointed and sad beyond recognition. I feel like part of me has died. No regrets, though. I'll learn from the lessons I got out of this. I already am. I'm not coping well, but I'm surviving. That's the best I can do for now.
A few more days and a new chapter starts....
posted by E in Oz at 11:25 pm
these thoughts escaped my brain at 11:25 pm
5 Comments:
E,
You should be proud of what you've done in this relationship. It sounds like you've tried your hardest, been the most honest and loved like you wanted to love. *You've* done your part. And you are right to demand understanding and respect from him. You deserve to have someone whose willing to go the distance with you because, let's face it, relationships aren't just about the good. They're about the good, the bad, and the ugly. I'm truly sorry that you are going through this pain. I wouldn't wish that type of pain on my worst enemy! Just try and remember to keep your head up and believe that you did what you needed to do - you can't do more than that.
hugs and peace,
a
It is what you think and feel that should be, should've been that is so in tune with the warped thinking that keeps women trapped in dysfunctional relationships. He can't see your pain, and the sight of your pain and unhappiness merely agitates him, I suspect.
Get out and get out now.
Save yourself before you lose yourself.
Been there did that and it took me seven years to recover from Post Traumatic Disorder.
Loving him is not enough, never will be enough.
Love is mutual and impossible to share with someone who is unwilling and more than likely uncable of returning true love.
Best of luck, but hoping you find the courage to walk out the door and begin breathing in the fresh air. Oh, and don't look back...
Peace be with you.....
Big hugs. Unfortunately, it seems he'll never fully realize what a mistake he's made. (Hey, it takes two to tango.)
You know, though... this road you're on... it might just turn out to be one of those things. The next few months is going to be an interesting time for you... and we'll be waiting to hear about it with baited breath!
You know I identify with this E. Only I got lucky and got a man that even though he doesn't really "get" it, he tries.
Hubby explained once to me that this can be really painful for him because he can't fix it. Guys want to fix things and it frustrates them when they can't.
Thankfully, he's mature enough (and sensitive enough) to understand that I'm doing the best that I can and none of it (when *it* happens) is about him.
E, I truly believe that you will find someone who will accept you for exactly who you are and you'll live happily ever after (with only a few bugs in the system, of course!)
It took me a LONG time, but I did. So will you.
xoxoxo
E...It's probably the hardest thing, being in a relationship. We invest so much so it hurts more than anything when it falls apart. Especially those of us who have guarded our emotions for so long. You boldly risked so much...and now you get to see how strong you really are, as you watch yourself pull it all together again and stand up tall. You've always known yourself as a survivor...all the more now.
Post a Comment
<< Home